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rescuemonsterwhoa this website exists. crazy. DID is such an unserious disorder of course it's me who remembers it exists #iykyk (but everyone knows because I am not subtle nor do I care or hide it).
anyway ramble time! about PDA autism and language and how communication is soooo different for different people and that's wild to me.
(also there's a chance I'll actually post more but also it's not a sure thing so I won't upload an icon yet. besides if we do actually start posting regularly there's a decent chance we just archive this account and start using a different one since we don't go by rescue anymore el shrug.)
so, PDA autism, or pathological demand avoidance autism (some people also call it persistent(?) autonomy drive autism, but this is basically just a different framing of the same thing) isn't something we didn't know about or weren't unaware we likely had, we just kind of... forget? and then tiktok reminded us recently. praise be to the algorithm. and it's made a lot of OCD cycles with pressure and shit make so much more sense and be so much easier to deconstruct and come up with solutions for.
brief overview of PDA autism for those unaware and also because I like talking (but keep in mind I am by no means an expert and don't claim to be, I haven't read every source ever and I can make mistakes) is a profile of autistic behaviour that often leads to executive dysfunction, and ultimately boils down to "when my brain sees something as a demand, as a "have to" sort of thing, it registers as a threat to my autonomy, my safety, and triggers my nervous system, which can lead to a fight or flight response." which is uh, yeah. it's not that I can't do things really — I can wash the dishes or tidy up or do my laundry. but when that's something I "have" to do, when there's a forcefulness and pressure behind the doing of that task, it ends up making the task so so so much more difficult than it needs to be, and I shut down and avoid it.
when we looked into it online, most information was of course centered around children as is the case for most autism stuff, so we asked our mum to look into it and report on how she felt it fit for us, and yeah, sure enough, it's a winner. she said that when we attended daycare as a kid, we learned that however many minutes before home time, everyone would have to clean up. but, if we threw a tantrum and misbehaved, we'd be put in the time-out corner, and wouldn't have to do any cleaning as a result; so we did this over and over again until one of the caretakers worked it out and shifted the punishment to doing more to clean. so we stopped doing it.
and this is like... classic PDA autism? I think it was something like using social manipulation or manufacturing or something to get out of tasks that trigger the fight/flight response of "demand." and it happened at work to us on Monday maybe, I think. I dunno. we were also tired and hallucinating and getting home helped, but I think that stress came about both due to the tiredness and the PDA. we couldn't handle work. we HAD to handle work. we can't just grit our teeth and bare it and push through a lot of the time, because the "had" part compounds and makes it so so much worse. like if the can't handle work is +10 stress, then the people who usually grit and bear and force through are doing so under that 10 stress, but PDA means the whole "you have to do it" is an extra +5 and then sometimes OCD can come into it and turn into "and if you don't do it, you're bad, you'll be punished" and then yeah that's a sure-fire way to break down if you aren't given some sort of outlet or support by someone.
point is: remembering this about ourselves is I think super helpful. someone (xian?) realised that we'd been putting pressure on ourselves in our relationship with our fiancé recently and "because I feel like I must love you, I've forgotten why I actually do. because I have to be with you, I've forgotten why I chose to" or something like that was said. and I think PDA is just... it's the missing piece in that, that's the word we've been looking for. a few things managed to happen in a specific terrible order that warped that relationship from a relationship of love and choice and just really really great stuff into a demand. and demands cause us stress, light our nerves on fire, and we begin to resent people who keep shoving them onto us. so, yeah.
but like, realising that in and of itself has made things soooo much better. understanding how we work leads to us being able to untangle these things better and work out solutions. rowan has had the issue of forgetting everything we work out? bad derealisation and psychosis symptoms will do that to you. but yeah. first step has been me calling out of work for the rest of the year (there were only two days left whoops) and arranging time at our parents' for a bit. we won't have to worry about work, chores, bug, food, etc. just gonna be free to be us. oh man do we need that. to be good is to be free. I am booed off-stage.
anyway speaking of understanding yourself like probably too much (we sure do have an issue with intellectualising our feelings but this isn't that, this is GOOD intellectualisation I promise bro please let me analyse it bro), it's interesting the way that PDA autism affects communication.
I saw a tiktok, think by the pillowfort system? who is a system with PDA autism, who explained that what constitutes as a demand for them varies so much by the day, by the alter, etc. and I think this is like... yeah. yeaaah. and they said sometimes you don't realise in the moment that it feels like a demand either, it'll take its toll later, it's kinda like repeatedly stubbing your toe on things every single day. because sometimes certain things aren't a demand for us. our friends being unstable is not innately a demand — in fact, like, logically, it isn't at all. I'm not being asked to do shit. but responsibility OCD and the role of "helper friend" we assume means we turned it into a demand for ourselves? so sometimes it become an implicit one (by and for ourselves). this wasn't the topic. anyway. yeah. point is that that only happens SOMETIMES and obviously you can't ask someone to not be unstable so we came up with the solution of turning people's notifications off before bed. never had to do it but yeah.
anyway the actual thing. actually no real quick like. demand shit and pressure is so ass but it's crazy to me (pretending I'm not vaguing a guy but honestly if he is stalking us and sees this that's crazy work dude I don't even know your usernames these days) when people have that pressure and the demands and all that and don't realise how much of it is a construction of your own mental torture devices and how much power you do have over? and how like, above all, it is YOUR responsibility to work out what causes these loops and what causes things you love and care about to mutate into demands and pressure, and it's your job to communicate what you need. anyway. #betterthanhim #petty.
anyway the thing I actually was gonna say is it's so interesting the way that PDA and also just you know being a human can inform the way you view language. because to us, clearly because of the PDA autism, the word "please" has always been like... exceptionally rude. because to us, when someone says "please" and then asks me to do something? well, I can't say no. because please is so polite, or because please can sometimes carry this air of desperation (and we only really use the word please when we're asking for something that isn't really optional, like, you shouldn't be saying no to me if I'm saying please most of the time, because I'm saying please for my own self-preservation, because it's a need not a want or a request) and just. yeah. it's like this gun to your head?
so I've never seen "please" as a polite thing to say. when I request something of someone, something unimportant or whatever, I don't say please. I say it neutrally, because I want to give them the option to refuse, and I don't want people to say please to me, because please removes the right to refuse for me. our mum has this habit of phrasing requests as questions where we're asked if we "want to do" something. and we're always honest and just say no, and like... we won't. "do you want to take the bins in?" no, not really. and especially not because you're requesting it of me like this. I think we'd be a lot happier if she said "I'd like you to take the bins in, is that okay?" because then it sort of changes the tune from this request where I don't actually have any autonomy and you're lying to me about my options, to being very straightforward about what's actually being asked of me and why. and I want to please people! you wanting me to do something is really great incentive for me to do it. just tell me that.
but it's not like these are natural or easy ways for people to phrase things and for the most part honestly I don't think it clocks in our head. it's like stubbing your toe. I'm used to it. I will continue to say no when my mother asks if I want to do something, and continue to comply when she is forced to clarify and reword it as a demand. but oh my god would my foot feel soooo much better if I was actually given the ability to say no, and me saying no was honoured and respected.
but yeah. please is a rude word to me. I've never liked it. I also realised it's maybe partially because of the way kids are taught to say the word please. thank you is fine, because you're reminded to say thank you after you have received the thing that you want and/or need. that's cool. but please? you're denied the thing that you want and/or need up until you comply and say the word. it's begging. it's a demand. it's all demands baby, it's all my pathological demand for autonomy. so I don't like please for so many reasons, truly.
I like thank you though! thank you is good. thank you is an acknowledgement of someone's efforts, someone's time, someone's generosity or someone's selflessness. thank you is great. I also hate that there are people who just straight up will not give you something unless you say please? I think if you're refusing to do something because you feel entitled to and demand a certain word of them then I don't know choke. if your willingness to do something for me hinges on if I say please or not that's just kinda crazy. I respect and understand and agree with wanting or needing the acknowledgement of a thank you, but just the... I dunno. the please thing doesn't feel like wanting acknowledgement to me, it feels like wanting power.
maybe I am simply crazy.
anyway none of this was structured or planned and I think it truly shows thanks for reading my madlibs ramble. is that what madlibs is. I do not care. so excited for school I hope I get to be insane about communication again at some point since we are doing a communications course kinda. I'm gonna get such good grades in being an annoying twat. zeke is SO right can we do philosophy or psychology next.
anyway ramble time! about PDA autism and language and how communication is soooo different for different people and that's wild to me.
(also there's a chance I'll actually post more but also it's not a sure thing so I won't upload an icon yet. besides if we do actually start posting regularly there's a decent chance we just archive this account and start using a different one since we don't go by rescue anymore el shrug.)
so, PDA autism, or pathological demand avoidance autism (some people also call it persistent(?) autonomy drive autism, but this is basically just a different framing of the same thing) isn't something we didn't know about or weren't unaware we likely had, we just kind of... forget? and then tiktok reminded us recently. praise be to the algorithm. and it's made a lot of OCD cycles with pressure and shit make so much more sense and be so much easier to deconstruct and come up with solutions for.
brief overview of PDA autism for those unaware and also because I like talking (but keep in mind I am by no means an expert and don't claim to be, I haven't read every source ever and I can make mistakes) is a profile of autistic behaviour that often leads to executive dysfunction, and ultimately boils down to "when my brain sees something as a demand, as a "have to" sort of thing, it registers as a threat to my autonomy, my safety, and triggers my nervous system, which can lead to a fight or flight response." which is uh, yeah. it's not that I can't do things really — I can wash the dishes or tidy up or do my laundry. but when that's something I "have" to do, when there's a forcefulness and pressure behind the doing of that task, it ends up making the task so so so much more difficult than it needs to be, and I shut down and avoid it.
when we looked into it online, most information was of course centered around children as is the case for most autism stuff, so we asked our mum to look into it and report on how she felt it fit for us, and yeah, sure enough, it's a winner. she said that when we attended daycare as a kid, we learned that however many minutes before home time, everyone would have to clean up. but, if we threw a tantrum and misbehaved, we'd be put in the time-out corner, and wouldn't have to do any cleaning as a result; so we did this over and over again until one of the caretakers worked it out and shifted the punishment to doing more to clean. so we stopped doing it.
and this is like... classic PDA autism? I think it was something like using social manipulation or manufacturing or something to get out of tasks that trigger the fight/flight response of "demand." and it happened at work to us on Monday maybe, I think. I dunno. we were also tired and hallucinating and getting home helped, but I think that stress came about both due to the tiredness and the PDA. we couldn't handle work. we HAD to handle work. we can't just grit our teeth and bare it and push through a lot of the time, because the "had" part compounds and makes it so so much worse. like if the can't handle work is +10 stress, then the people who usually grit and bear and force through are doing so under that 10 stress, but PDA means the whole "you have to do it" is an extra +5 and then sometimes OCD can come into it and turn into "and if you don't do it, you're bad, you'll be punished" and then yeah that's a sure-fire way to break down if you aren't given some sort of outlet or support by someone.
point is: remembering this about ourselves is I think super helpful. someone (xian?) realised that we'd been putting pressure on ourselves in our relationship with our fiancé recently and "because I feel like I must love you, I've forgotten why I actually do. because I have to be with you, I've forgotten why I chose to" or something like that was said. and I think PDA is just... it's the missing piece in that, that's the word we've been looking for. a few things managed to happen in a specific terrible order that warped that relationship from a relationship of love and choice and just really really great stuff into a demand. and demands cause us stress, light our nerves on fire, and we begin to resent people who keep shoving them onto us. so, yeah.
but like, realising that in and of itself has made things soooo much better. understanding how we work leads to us being able to untangle these things better and work out solutions. rowan has had the issue of forgetting everything we work out? bad derealisation and psychosis symptoms will do that to you. but yeah. first step has been me calling out of work for the rest of the year (there were only two days left whoops) and arranging time at our parents' for a bit. we won't have to worry about work, chores, bug, food, etc. just gonna be free to be us. oh man do we need that. to be good is to be free. I am booed off-stage.
anyway speaking of understanding yourself like probably too much (we sure do have an issue with intellectualising our feelings but this isn't that, this is GOOD intellectualisation I promise bro please let me analyse it bro), it's interesting the way that PDA autism affects communication.
I saw a tiktok, think by the pillowfort system? who is a system with PDA autism, who explained that what constitutes as a demand for them varies so much by the day, by the alter, etc. and I think this is like... yeah. yeaaah. and they said sometimes you don't realise in the moment that it feels like a demand either, it'll take its toll later, it's kinda like repeatedly stubbing your toe on things every single day. because sometimes certain things aren't a demand for us. our friends being unstable is not innately a demand — in fact, like, logically, it isn't at all. I'm not being asked to do shit. but responsibility OCD and the role of "helper friend" we assume means we turned it into a demand for ourselves? so sometimes it become an implicit one (by and for ourselves). this wasn't the topic. anyway. yeah. point is that that only happens SOMETIMES and obviously you can't ask someone to not be unstable so we came up with the solution of turning people's notifications off before bed. never had to do it but yeah.
anyway the actual thing. actually no real quick like. demand shit and pressure is so ass but it's crazy to me (pretending I'm not vaguing a guy but honestly if he is stalking us and sees this that's crazy work dude I don't even know your usernames these days) when people have that pressure and the demands and all that and don't realise how much of it is a construction of your own mental torture devices and how much power you do have over? and how like, above all, it is YOUR responsibility to work out what causes these loops and what causes things you love and care about to mutate into demands and pressure, and it's your job to communicate what you need. anyway. #betterthanhim #petty.
anyway the thing I actually was gonna say is it's so interesting the way that PDA and also just you know being a human can inform the way you view language. because to us, clearly because of the PDA autism, the word "please" has always been like... exceptionally rude. because to us, when someone says "please" and then asks me to do something? well, I can't say no. because please is so polite, or because please can sometimes carry this air of desperation (and we only really use the word please when we're asking for something that isn't really optional, like, you shouldn't be saying no to me if I'm saying please most of the time, because I'm saying please for my own self-preservation, because it's a need not a want or a request) and just. yeah. it's like this gun to your head?
so I've never seen "please" as a polite thing to say. when I request something of someone, something unimportant or whatever, I don't say please. I say it neutrally, because I want to give them the option to refuse, and I don't want people to say please to me, because please removes the right to refuse for me. our mum has this habit of phrasing requests as questions where we're asked if we "want to do" something. and we're always honest and just say no, and like... we won't. "do you want to take the bins in?" no, not really. and especially not because you're requesting it of me like this. I think we'd be a lot happier if she said "I'd like you to take the bins in, is that okay?" because then it sort of changes the tune from this request where I don't actually have any autonomy and you're lying to me about my options, to being very straightforward about what's actually being asked of me and why. and I want to please people! you wanting me to do something is really great incentive for me to do it. just tell me that.
but it's not like these are natural or easy ways for people to phrase things and for the most part honestly I don't think it clocks in our head. it's like stubbing your toe. I'm used to it. I will continue to say no when my mother asks if I want to do something, and continue to comply when she is forced to clarify and reword it as a demand. but oh my god would my foot feel soooo much better if I was actually given the ability to say no, and me saying no was honoured and respected.
but yeah. please is a rude word to me. I've never liked it. I also realised it's maybe partially because of the way kids are taught to say the word please. thank you is fine, because you're reminded to say thank you after you have received the thing that you want and/or need. that's cool. but please? you're denied the thing that you want and/or need up until you comply and say the word. it's begging. it's a demand. it's all demands baby, it's all my pathological demand for autonomy. so I don't like please for so many reasons, truly.
I like thank you though! thank you is good. thank you is an acknowledgement of someone's efforts, someone's time, someone's generosity or someone's selflessness. thank you is great. I also hate that there are people who just straight up will not give you something unless you say please? I think if you're refusing to do something because you feel entitled to and demand a certain word of them then I don't know choke. if your willingness to do something for me hinges on if I say please or not that's just kinda crazy. I respect and understand and agree with wanting or needing the acknowledgement of a thank you, but just the... I dunno. the please thing doesn't feel like wanting acknowledgement to me, it feels like wanting power.
maybe I am simply crazy.
anyway none of this was structured or planned and I think it truly shows thanks for reading my madlibs ramble. is that what madlibs is. I do not care. so excited for school I hope I get to be insane about communication again at some point since we are doing a communications course kinda. I'm gonna get such good grades in being an annoying twat. zeke is SO right can we do philosophy or psychology next.
